Change your life

Below you find my blogs about how to change your life and start living your purpose and live according to your Divine Soul Blueprint. One necessary ingredient to do this is to know who you are at origination. You need to know who you were when you first incarnated as a soul.

In the Akashic Record Readings I do, I explain who you are from the get-go, but I also explain what blocks and restrictions you’ve put between that original plan and your current plan.

I help you to clear the blocks and restrictions and then we’ll work on creating a plan with which you can live your purpose. For this, we need to talk about what you most want to do and address blocks that are still in place.

After the clearing, you still need to change your life by doing this differently than you’ve always done.

How to manage the change process inside

Some time ago, I talked to a friend about the akashic records reading I had done for her. We talked about how to manage the change process that the world around us is going through and impacts us.

Especially this year, we have had to get used to many situations that seemed to happen, but they are all the outcomes of a change process taking place on a deeper level. Even how difficult these situations are in our third-dimensional reality, let’s try to rise above it from our soul’s perspective and wonder: “What if what’s happening is exactly what we need, right now?”

No limitations

As there is no time limitation in soul reality, there is no past and no future. There is only right now in which things happen. Everything is here, right now, even the things that we can only experience from the limitation of a time frame in which we live. Our brains are pretty limited; that is why we “invented” the past and the present to filter out unnecessary information.

When we decided to take on this life’s experience, we already knew what kind of life we were choosing. We chose it because we wanted it; because the life you’re living is an experience you never wanted to miss out on.

Manage the change process inside

Transformation is scary shit

 

There is a transformation going on. Transformation, a.k.a. change, is scary. This is because we, as humans, have built many blocks and restrictions to prevent us from living our full potential. We hide in fears, in stories, and in habits. But we have lost the consciousness to understand what’s going on at a higher level. Because of that we can only see (and feel) that we are threatened in our existence as we know it from this life’s perspective. As things change rapidly, we need to manage the change process inside of us. It scares the shit out of us, so we have a couple of choices. You

  • fight and scream that it’s a scandal and post your conspiracy theories on Facebook;
  • freeze and get stuck and can’t take action anymore;
  • flee and hide because you’re overwhelmed by everything around you.

Examples of coping patterns

I see examples of all three patterns around me. I see the fighters who manage the change by telling us not to get the new vaccine because there is a chip inside it. They use Facebook to scream their truths at us and that they’re right and we’re wrong. What they forget is that to get your right, other people need to agree with you. Since there’s always someone to be found somewhere who disagrees with them, many insults are thrown to and fro. It breaks up family bonds and important friendships.

I also see more people than ever getting stuck over the last few years. They get burned out and are incapable of doing their job for a long time and sometimes never really recover from it. The number of people who develop depression or a psychiatric illness or people with serious diseases. Why is that? Is it our environment, or are there other causes?

What if this was exactly what you wanted?

But let me ask the question again: “What if all this outrage, stuckness, and overwhelm is exactly what you hoped to find in this life so that you could have a deep experience to help you grow on a soul-level?” If that was your objective, then boy, you’ve chosen the right life! Just suppose all this life crap isn’t for nothing. Thinking about it brings huge insight for me. If I came here to learn some human suffering, well, then my life was a huge success twenty years ago already. All that crap I struggled with suddenly makes sense and becomes less heavy. How about your life?

These are exciting times. What if you, as a soul, wanted to be present in this weird reality to see a transformation take place for humanity? Imagine yourself in your energy state sitting on that cloud, wondering if this life was the best you could get rather than “that other one.” How does it feel that you said YES wholeheartedly to the plan for your life? It gives me a good feeling that I said YES on all levels.

To manage the change process is hard

What I’m not saying is that you chose the circumstances. You chose the feelings it brought up and the opportunity to learn how to rise from it like a phoenix from the ashed. You did not choose how. It was the experience and the lesson of it.

I know that in some people’s lives, challenging things happen. People experience loved ones who die, having a difficult illness, or struggle with mental illness or poverty. Bad things happen. But what I want you to do is to look at it from a soul’s perspective. I believe that souls don’t want to experience exact situations. They want to experience certain feelings and want to learn how to overcome them in a soulful way.

As a soul, ready to incarnate, you were not held back by the blocks and restrictions you now experience. There was no need to drink too much, be a workaholic, or ignore your truth. As a soul, you want to know how it feels to experience crappy life circumstances. Hence, you go on an internship to grow and develop from overcoming difficult situations. You’re an intern now.

Understand that you are growing and developing hugely right now – if you let yourself. That’s why you need to manage the change process inside yourself. What you’re experiencing is what you’ll remember in your next lives or realities. It is okay to struggle with stuff and make mistakes repeatedly. Just be patient with yourself. You’re learning – you’ll get it someday. I promise.

How to manage the change process inside yourself

But how do you manage that change process? Here are some steps to work on it.

Observe

Amidst this crazy world, take a step back, and observe what is happening around you.

Do this as if you’re a Netflix documentary maker working on your newest project to inform and educate millions of people. Look at the people in the footage you’re shooting as if you’ve never met them and listen to their story as if you’ve never heard it before.

We tend to label everything we see and hear because it is our way of ordering our environment. It is a very human way to stick an emotional label to everything because it helps us cope with situations. We need to because we want to survive as long as possible. We need to know what is dangerous or stupid. But the thing is that the emotional label also stops us from experiencing life fully. We ward off the experience.

So, the next time you talk to people who usually upset you, do it differently. I want you to see them and listen to them without any prejudice. Really listen to them.

Reflect

Now that you’ve gotten all the footage for your Netflix documentary, you go home and upload it to your computer to look at it. You see the stories and interviews on your screen. Now it’s time to reflect on it. Ask yourself how the footage makes you feel. Does it make you feel angry, scared, insecure?

Once you know how it makes you feel, then reflect on the reaction it brings up in your body. What do you want to do? Call them and tell them how wrong they are? Spit in their face? Sue them? Hit them? Embrace them? Love them? Solace them? Do you want to walk away, flee? Not to ever talk to them ever again?

Notice where in your body you can feel it.

Intend

What often happens is that you bite down on the issues in your life. You bite so hard that it becomes an obsession. Your husband is an asshole, your boss is a moron, and your neighbor is an idiot. You think so much about what they do and say that you can’t release yourself from this bond anymore. All you can do is see what you don’t have instead of what you do have. It all sucks, right?

Now, force yourself to look at the situation from the most favorable point of view and ask yourself that if everything was great, how would your situation be? Would you have a loving relationship with your husband, who would be super supportive of you? Would you have a great boss who would help you grow in your career and give you a promotion (what job would he give you?) And how would it be if you could chat over the hedge with your neighbor and invite them over for a drink to discuss in an open way how you’d connect your gardens to make a big park in which you’d work together to make it awesome?

One million dollar question

The one million dollar question that needs to follow these daydreams is, “how do these daydreams make you feel?” Create affirmations out of these feelings. Notice that these affirmations focus on feelings, not on what you do or have.

  • I am so happy and feel so loved by my husband. He supports me in my endeavors to become a great […]. It makes me feel so proud of myself now that I’ve published my first children’s book and writing my second one. Writing is what I love doing.
  • I feel so proud of how my career is progressing now that I’m working with […]. I feel excited about the promotion he has given me to become […] to develop myself toward becoming a […], I feel secure because he believes in me, and it helps me trust myself.
  • I had such a fun day with […]. We decided to remove the hedge between our properties to create this beautiful park behind our homes. We trust each other fully and have so much fun choosing beautiful plants for our garden.

Repeat this every day, preferably out loud.

Redirect

Now that you know your preferred feelings imagine which actions would bring you closer to these feelings. If you’d be the person in that affirmation, what would do? Biting down on old behavior or habits would not create a better future; it needs different actions. It is vital to do things differently now. Make this a conscious and, if needed, courageous action. If you keep on responding from pain, you will not change your situation.

 

Closing

You only manage the change process by being very conscious of what is happening and steer toward what you want. I know how difficult it can be. That is why I am here to help you with one of my readings:

  • With one of my tarot readings, I can zoom into your current situation and advise on what to do or not do.
  • With my akashic records readings, I can zoom in on who you are at origination, your purpose, and the blocks and restrictions you have to keep you from living a soul-aligned life.

If you have questions or want to discuss something with me, please send me a message through my contact page.

Do you feel stuck? Drop the fight.

It sucks when you feel stuck, right? Been there, done that, still doing it. Sometimes.

But this year, things have happened. I feel less and less stuck, even to the point that when I got a journal prompt a few weeks ago to write about something in my life that I felt unhappy with, I could not think of anything to write. This experience surprised me. I hadn’t noticed yet how well I was doing, now that I’ve made a few reality shifts that are helping me live a more aligned life.

Do you feel stuck? Drop the fight

Now, don’t think that something miraculous has happened here because there are new things to think about and new things to chew on, but I can’t categorize them as feeling stuck.

Drawing cards when you feel stuck

When I felt stuck in the past, I’d get my tarot cards and would do reading upon reading to find out what was going on. I wasn’t looking for a solution. All I wanted was to know what was going on – to understand myself and why I did what I did. But I thought that if I’d understand myself, that a solution would come along in its own sweet time. I was looking for a solution blindfolded while turning away from the dawn behind me.

And even though I knew that there must be a solution or an answer somewhere, I also knew I didn’t have it. Yet. I was going to find it. Sooner rather than later. Since I didn’t have it yet, I felt stuck.

Do you feel stuck? Drop the Fight

Eight of Swords

This behavior is based on what we find in the meaning of the Eight of Swords. The character doesn’t know that to find the answer or the solution to a problem, you need to let go of what is blinding you and turn toward what you desire. It is the simplest and, at the same time, the hardest thing in the world, and you can only learn how it feels when you do it. But since I didn’t know this yet and felt a lot of resistance, I could not imagine how it would feel. I couldn’t see it.

Feeling stuck doesn’t feel right. You focus on what you don’t have. You don’t have a relationship with the cute person, you don’t have a steady income, and you don’t have the weight you’d like to have. Just a few of the “tiny” issues I’ve been chewing on over the last few decades. All I could see was what I lacked.

Lacking guidance because you feel stuck

Last week, in a tarot community, I saw someone request insight into the cards she pulled and how she felt stuck. She’d pulled about ten cards and could not see the guidance through the overload of information. Suddenly I saw what I had done all those years of obsessively trying to find an answer to my questions. It was lack all over. I couldn’t see the perspective of the situation to give myself what I needed, but most of all: I didn’t take action on the guidance I got from the cards.

A journey of experiences and adventures

When you start a journey of experiences and adventures, there is so much to learn (remember the Fool?) You don’t know anything yet, because you can’t know yet. You’ve just started this cycle (this new life, new reality), and you stand there and are inexperienced. It’s easy to focus on what you don’t have instead of meeting all your blocks and restrictions head-on. Noticing how you lack in problem-solving, you meet all kinds of emotions, feelings, and beliefs. As you’re starting, we all know how damned hard it is to face a situation without the tools or skills to solve it.

I’m not sure how it works for you, but I must have been a pit bull in one of my other lives. I bite myself into the situation and don’t give up. I fight it. Chew on it, and I don’t let it go. This may have also developed into mild obsessive behavior where I just could not let go of what I wanted (and what I lacked).

Related: How your story keeps you stuck

What do you do when you feel stuck?

Doing all those readings didn’t provide me with clear guidance from the cards. When you only focus on how you hurt and how you feel stuck in that area of your life, your cards will project it. Or, when you do draw some cards that cast a positive feeling, you sigh with relief and tell yourself that “all will be well.” But what do you DO? Do you take action when you feel stuck? Looking back, I did not take enough action. It was hard to do it because I came from stuckness.

The most comfortable action I always felt was to do another tarot card reading. I now see that was not bringing me closer to a solution that aligned with who I am. Doing reading after reading without taking action manifested more of the undesired situation: more dates with frogs that wanted a kiss on the first date (ew!), more bills that needed payment right away, and yes, also more excess weight. I wasn’t solving anything with my readings – I was prolonging my suffering.

How I shifted my reality twice

I have shifted my reality on all three aspects. While I found the bestest (superlative degree of best) man globally over a decade ago, I made two major reality shifts over the last year.

In November 2019, I suffered from a business that wasn’t bringing in enough money. I felt so stuck in what I was doing that I couldn’t even bring myself to acquire more clients for my consulting services (180 degrees different from what I do on this website). Secretly, it was what I’m doing now that I wanted to do. But I didn’t allow myself to do it. What would everybody think of me?

Beliefs

My beliefs, which were proven repeatedly, were that every time I’d present a new client with a quote, they’d start to whine about having another quote from someone else who was willing to do the job for $5 an hour less. It frustrated me to hell and back. Did they want to hire an excellent consultant or what? No need to say that with this attitude, I didn’t get new clients because I may have pissed off one or two of them with a snarky remark.

When I got the opportunity to get a really lovely, well-paying job, I noticed how all doubt and stuckness fell away, and I jumped straight in. No additional thinking was needed. I’m still super happy there, and I’m learning so much about myself! Most of all, the job allows me to slowly build this business without worrying about a tax bill ever again.

Second shift

The second shift came about five months later, right after COVID-19 started. I had too much time on my hands, and all I did was struggle with my eating habits. I knew these habits were not about the food, but because of a deeper issue. So I asked a soul-based mindset mentor to work with me on my beliefs. At some point, she asked me if I was willing to drop the fight.

I was shocked. How could she suggest that I was going to give up this fight? It was the same as giving up. So I texted her: no fucking way. I again felt the same twitch in my head as if something shifted the moment I sent it. I thought: “Dropping the fight is not giving up. When I drop the fight, I allow myself to relax and still want it.” A vast calm came over me. I can still desire to weigh less, but I ward off all solutions when I keep fighting it because I focus on the lack instead of what I do have and what I can do. Just minutes before that, I had been telling myself that I could never be healthy. That’s a shift, right?

What happened next

Since then, I’ve even given up my diet. Even though I did gain a few pounds, I now notice how I’m settling into a healthy routine with more freedom and more possibilities than all the things I wasn’t allowed to eat. I created a lot of stress in my body, mind, and soul because I told myself I could never have joyful food ever again. I’m much (much!) happier than I’ve been in years and well worth a couple of pounds.

Drop the fight when you feel stuck

So, when you feel stuck, don’t try to find answers in some stupid pieces of paper with a cute image on them. Ask yourself how it would be if you’d drop the fight. And if you can, decide how you’re life would look like if you’d do it: let go of all the crappy things you think you’ll never have.

You’ll find out that even if you never have all the things you want, there are feelings below these perceived desires that you can have. I projected on the issues wishing to feel at home with myself, feeling relaxed about money, and feeling good about my body.

Focus on that. It’s so much easier when you let go of lack and allow you not to feel stuck anymore. Before you know it, you’ll conclude as I have: I have it all.

How to turn down the volume of your inner critic

Are you a hard-working woman who regularly feels stressed, overworked, or exhausted and struggle with an inner critic that just-doesn’t-shut-up? Do you have a to-do list as long as your arm and feel as if you’re always behind? I bet it isn’t about the goal you chose or how you broke up that goal into small tasks that it makes your to-do list as long as that.

I know: balancing your life and living your purpose is more difficult than you always thought. What I notice is that (mostly) women give themselves too little room to rise above themselves. I mean, it is much easier to do things for others first instead of for yourself! I know, it feels as if you have no choice at all. Most things pop up and need to be taken care of – and who else but you need to do it? And if this takes away precious time for self-care, then so be it. Self-care is easily ignored when it comes to making choices.

Important advice

But did you know that women who are successful in both their career and in their private life have elevated self-care to a form of art? They give themselves time and space to achieve that great performance.

But you already know this. I’m not telling you anything new. This is also what you tell your friends how you should do this or should do that. And there you are, always ready to listen, to give a hug or come up with brilliant advice. I mean, you really know how to give advice. Nothing wrong with that!

But do you follow your own advice? Or are you sitting on the couch in the evening feeling shitty because you’re too tired and totally overwhelmed?

Why do you put up with this?

I bet you know very well what you need. The only thing is that you don’t do it. Instead, you sit there and mentally attack yourself in an unparalleled way. Take a moment to listen carefully to what you tell yourself.

I am talking about that inner critic who is jabbering and won’t shut up? And you keep listening to it. You have so many opinions about yourself, and it just doesn’t stop.

  • What tone do you use to talk to yourself?
  • What kind of words do you use over and over?
  • Do you sound angry, annoyed, disappointed, critical?
  • How do you judge yourself? Do you call yourself lazy, stupid, ugly, or slow?

Write it all down to see it with your own eyes. Would you also talk to your friend like that? To your neighbor? Would you allow it when your coach or therapist would talk to you like this? No? Then why do you put up with it?

How to turn down the volume on your inner critic

There is work to be done for your inner critic

Sit your inner critic in the corner of the couch, put their bunny slippers on and give them a blanky. Tell them that it is okay, and it is time to rest. Be nice, if only you can do it once a week. Lower those expectations and stop hurting yourself.

Stop shoulding yourself around. There is nothing you should do or must do, or need to do. Not a thing.

If you were your friend, what advice would you have? Just stop it – that’s what you’d say. Don’t make it more difficult than it already is because, between you and me and the Fairy Godmother, we are all tired and overwhelmed sometimes.

Set some boundaries and tell people who are too vocal about what you should do for them to bugger off. Okay, maybe not to say it like to your boss, but there are polite ways to say it as long as you don’t connect any emotional labels to the conversation. If you bring it like a statement, then it is what it is. But most people have excellent ears for guilt trips that you’re not even talking about but still emit from all the pores in your body.

Stop your inner critic from monkey-ing your around

Especially notice guilt words, like “should” when you talk about yourself. Most dominant people pick up on words like this and use it for their own good. They will do this because they’re upset with you for setting boundaries or telling them that you’re giving back a certain responsibility you took upon yourself while it was theirs.

In Dutch, we have an expression that comes down to “leave the monkey where it belongs” – is it your monkey, or is it theirs? Well, it often is truly their monkey, so it isn’t even your responsibility.

Drop the fight

Ask your inner critic to drop the fight. You may notice that it may be unwilling to do so at first, but when you move deeper and connect to how it feels, your inner critic will be just so tired or so overwhelmed that you’ll instantly feel that it needs help instead of a battle.

It’s not worth it to listen to things that are not true. No matter how much you put on your to-do list, you don’t become a better person. You become a better person when you give yourself some slack and decide to drop the fight off the constant inner critic discussion you have to listen to day in day out.

If there is some truth in what this inner critic has to say, then how can you make things easy for yourself? We already know that nothing good comes from listening to down talk all the time. Good things come from wholehearted encouragement, setting intentions that are easy to do and still create a good feeling, and to be realistic about what is possible and what not.  I mean: successful businesses are not built in six months, no matter what that program-selling dodo is trying to sell you.

Too much

I see so many women who try to build a booming business while they have four kids at home that they’re trying to home school, have a clean house, be a flawless partner and a successful entrepreneur.

It is okay to stop everything and to eat easy meals for a week because you’re overwhelmed. Your kids will live; your partner will stop commenting on your meal choices, and if not, let them do it. Before you know it, there will be a pizza delivery at your door. I’ll bet you 10 dollars for it.

So if you are willing to listen to a crying friend who pours her heart out about how hard her life is: her relationship, the children, her work, parents, you name it, what are you telling her? That she should stop whining and keep going? Not really … So why do you say this to yourself?

My personal story about the inner critic

I have the aspect of failing strongly built into my Divine Soul Blueprint. This resulted in a life-long struggle with fear of failure and made me very insecure about my own talents. Failing caused me to underperform in school and the first two decades of my career. I was so afraid I couldn’t perform at the right moment that I literally manifested it. It was so strong that people even labeled me as someone who could only fail. That inner voice that told me that whatever I did, wasn’t good enough developed pretty strongly because of that.

A breakthrough came when a coach, whom I contacted because of my fear of visibility, told me: “But if marketing is such a struggle for you, then why do you do it? What if you allow yourself to stop doing it and see what happens?” I was mortified. Was she suggesting I’d give up? No, f’ing way!

Two sides to it

So on one side, I was super scared to fail and to create stuff that didn’t meet my standards (which were, of course, way too high), and on the other side, I wasn’t allowed to quit. How about being stuck in the twilight zone of reliving your patterns over and over? I followed her advice and quit putting myself out there when my anxiety just rose too high. That’s where you guys lost me for a while. And you may again; I don’t know. I’ve accepted that I’m just an anxious person.

But the allowance to quit kept lingering in my mind, and I wondered why I replied with so much anxiety to visibility issues. And then it came to me. I was creating things there weren’t aligned with who I am – trying to “sell” things that I had left behind me because I grew over it. I needed to allow myself to change the subject of what I’m writing about. When I saw that, I knew I had to come out with my new spiritual concept. It took me a year to not only study it, but I also had to get over another discussion with my inner critic, who told me you’d find me a weirdo who’d now really lost it. But it still felt good and slowly but surely I got used to the idea that I might actually have something to say about living a soul-aligned life. So, there you go. Another weirdo blog post was written. I hope you liked it. 😉

CLOSING

In my dealings with my inner critic, I’ve noticed that the moment I understood who I really am as a soul by reading my Divine Soul Blueprint in an Akashic Records Reading, it became so much easier to decide what was right for me or not. Suddenly I knew it if things were aligned with who I am or not! It was such a relief but also such an insight into how easy this really was.

If you want to know more about the Akashic Records Readings I do as a Soul Realignment Practitioner, click here.

How your story keeps you stuck

Many people have something in common that I’d like to call their ‘stuck story.’ It is the story you tell yourself all the time, about how

  • awful it is to [fill in the blanks…],
  • how hard it is to [fill in the blanks…],
  • how boring it is only to [fill in the blanks], and everything in between.

The story you tell yourself has nothing to do with your desire to live an aligned life and be happy. Not a thing. It has everything to do with how you look at yourself, your reality, your ability to make decisions and take aligned action when needed.

I have told myself stories over and over until I was sick and tired of it.

Stuck story

A stuck story can be about a lot of things: money, weight, your business, your career. Anything.

In a stuck story, you tell yourself why it is impossible for you to earn more or to achieve more abundance in your life. It can be about deserving, being not good enough, or impossible things.

When I still had my weight-loss business, I told myself lots of stories. I believe that those stories were why I failed ‘learned so many uber valuable life lessons.’ I was tired. I had no inspiration. I’d rather work behind the scenes. I had visibility fear. You name it; I used it. I hired coaches, many. But every time I heard an explanation of why my business was ‘failing’ I turned it into a belief. I even used theories and wild guesses as truths to give myself a reason not to do anything anymore. At some point, the stories weren’t playing in the foreground anymore but started to use a more sneaky strategy – all the way in the background, they could repeat themselves over and over, where my consciousness didn’t pick up on them, but my subconscious did.

weight story

The Truth Behind My Story

The truth was: I hated my business. With all my heart. With a vengeance. I didn’t want to do it, nor did I want to be associated with it.

The other truth was: I was taught never to give up – always to keep going, no whining, no moaning. Do what is your responsibility and make sure you earn a living with it. That last part was something I ‘got’ from my mom. As a woman who grew up in a post-war environment, where women very slowly got some freedom, she got married early, at 22, had her first child at 23. When I think back to who I was at 23, I hadn’t even started yet, finding out who I was and what I wanted. She had a teacher’s degree and got stuck at home with a child. Compared to my mother’s, my life was radically different.

One thing she told me and my sisters was: “Alway make sure you earn your own money.” I know it was frustrating for her to be stuck at home. She wanted to work, but there were five kids to take care of.

I tried everything that my story allowed me to

I hated my business, and I hated that job I had left behind to start my business but I had nothing to go back to. All I knew was to keep going and work my ass off to create business success. But I had no income. I barely earned enough to cover the office expenses but never came around to pay myself. So I cut back on expenses: I moved out of the office space and into the spare bedroom at home, I moved my services online, and… nothing happened.

I hired another coach to design a signature program. It was a great program I made. But I pulled it back a week after launch. Officially because I needed to tweak it up. Unofficially, I was scared shitless.

What would people say when they found out that I was a crap weight loss coach? And OMG, the typos. There were so many typos. And no, the photo’s were bad as well. It was no good, no good at all. I was sure nobody wanted to buy that program. After a couple of pre-launch weeks, there were no sales to report.

I was devastated.

And I hated it.

The truth behind my stuck story

The truth was, I wanted out. I didn’t want to do weight-loss business anymore. I told myself that it was not done to come from an entrepreneurial family and quite your business. It was out of the question. Besides that, I saw bad examples online. I only saw ads to quit the 9-5 and that it was ‘heaven’ to be a business owner. I couldn’t say I agreed, but I could not say it.

All I wanted to have the business I have now. I wanted to go back to my tarot card business and work intuitively. I wanted to have fun… All I wanted was to be happy. And I wasn’t.

It took me three more years of agony before I allowed myself to delete the whole business and start over. A year ago, I made a bold move and asked someone for a job because I was the best option he had at that moment. Three days a week, I work for him, and I’m having a ball serving the CEO and the supervisory board of a health care organization. I have more freedom than I ever had in my business. Every time I receive my paycheck, there’s this grin from ear to ear because I feel this is the easiest money I’ve ever earned. It gives me the possibility to build this business slowly in a way that feels good.

If your life stucks

If your life sucks, it is not just that. It is the manifestation that bugs you but also the emotional and mental effect it has on you. Often the story you tell yourself is heavier than the manifestation. It is constant mental punishment, and it feels unsafe to take action. So you end up doing nothing and suffering from your past decisions.

I know that there are a lot of people who have an unfortunate history. Bad things happen. Small things can also have a tremendous influence, like being passed for a promotion or being ridiculed by someone in school. People do awful things to each other. But often, these things have happened in the past. How long do you want to hang on to the story you tell yourself due to that? Obviously, the traumatic stuff needs treatment, but what I’ve noticed is that people find freedom once they drop the fight on things they’ve held on to for too long.

It’s safer

All those experiences help the story that hides in your cells. It’s safe there because you don’t want to be confronted with your pain, insecurities, and unworthiness. But it will keep you stuck. It is easier to stay the way they are and not stir up the whole thing for some. But it is also making them unhappy because they want to shine. You want to be happy, follow your soul path, to be out there, do what gives you a good feeling, love yourself, and appreciate what you see when you look down towards your feet.

So let’s stop it right here. Stop telling yourself that upsetting story and work on the things that keep you from simply taking care of yourself and creating a life you truly want.

Knowing your stuck story is essential to change your life. If you tell yourself that change is hard, you bet it will be hard. When you tell yourself that you’re not up for the job, then no, nothing will change. But if you tell yourself that you’re determined to find out, then yes, your life will be different in a year.

It’s how your desire, your intention, and your thoughts work together. In this case, your thoughts will have the last vote.

What is your stuck story?

I bet you have a stuck story hidden somewhere. To uncover it, I’ve created a set of journaling prompts to find out what your story is and what you are afraid of. It is time for a journaling session. Download the free prompts to find out what’s going on.

A hundred things for a better life

At the end of last year, when I was contemplating my intentions for 2020, I thought about how weight and diet had always been part of my life. In my ever-lasting search for weight loss truth, I even studied to become a weight loss coach. But the quest no longer interests me.

I tried to be someone like that, but it wasn’t me and it did not create a better life. I believe I mixed up my weight struggle with being a weight loss coach and when I lost quite a lot of money, I hoped to share that solution with others as well. So I studied and changed careers, only to find that it didn’t bring me what I wanted and needed.

What is the most important? It was pretty mind-blowing what was going on in my head because my True Self answered that question right away. Deep down I want an effortless life and to be happy. As I do not believe in sitting around feeling effortless, I thought about what might make it joyful. So I decided to make a list of a hundred things that made me happy. Just simple things, with a couple of hard things in between.

The meaning of the list is not to be finished by the end of the year. That would make it work. The list is a source of joy for when I need it or want to fill my life with some additional meaningful experiences. It took some time to make it, but I think I have some fun and joyful things on it and I look forward to taking on the challenge.

Over the coming months, I will bookend (report) about things I’ve done in separate blogs and strike them off my list. Some items will be a one time experience, and others may grow into habits. Let’s see where it will take me.

My 100 list

  1. Make a list of 100 things that make me happy and blog about them
  2. Declutter the attic
  3. Declutter the garage
  4. Buy a new house (and sell the old one)
  5. Set monthly intentions and evaluate them
  6. Pull a monthly card as part of the month’s intention
  7. Go to my friend Karen in the United States (scheduled for June 2020)
  8. Attend a workshop by Abraham-Hicks (scheduled for May 2020)
  9. Go sailing with Anton
  10. Visit the market in Groningen
  11. Visit the market in Leeuwarden
  12. Visit the Hortus Botanicus in Haren
  13. Create the effortless life food plan
  14. Go on a boating picnic
  15. Go shopping in Zwolle
  16. Visit a hammam
  17. Visit a new beach
  18. Visit a national park
  19. Add two extra levels of Swedish in Duolingo
  20. Bake a cake
  21. Eat a vegan meal
  22. Bake a sourdough bread
  23. Go to the movies with Anton
  24. Go to a wine tasting at AB’s shop
  25. Have a high tea
  26. Cook a meal for friends
  27. Grow tomatoes
  28. Declutter my computer
  29. Declutter my email program
  30. Meditate every day
  31. Draw a daily tarot card
  32. Do a self-love tarot experience
  33. Eat a healthy meal every day
  34. Plan my meals every day and bookend them with my buddy
  35. Go plogging (Google it!)
  36. Study astrology
  37. Do a full tarot reading every month
  38. Meditate for an hour
  39. Meditate for three hours
  40. Learn watercolor techniques
  41. Send someone who needs it a letter
  42. Send birthday cards
  43. Do an online course
  44. Do a jigsaw puzzle
  45. Do a full no-spend week
  46. Find a new podcast and binge-listen
  47. Bake a beer bread
  48. Declutter DVD’s and CD’s
  49. Do a maintenance walk-around before the house goes on sale
  50. Go for a hike with marrekrite.nl
  51. Declutter the websites
  52. Create a time-capsule
  53. Scan old photos and create a photo book
  54. Do the MyHeritage DNA test
  55. Go geocaching with geocaching.com
  56. Take a nap
  57. Have facial
  58. Donate three appliances I no longer use
  59. Research the family tree and find a cool detail
  60. Finish a difficult sudoku
  61. Finish my book
  62. Read a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel
  63. Watch an Oscar-winning movie
  64. Binge-watch a new (to me) Netflix series
  65. Write a letter to my future grandchildren
  66. Go to a sauna
  67. Play the piano
  68. Clean out my closet
  69. Donate stuff to charity
  70. Reread three books I’ve stored in the attic before I donate them
  71. Go on a weekend cycle trip
  72. Create healthy-er icecream
  73. Make cider
  74. Go for ten early morning swims
  75. Buy veggies at a farm
  76. Organize a barbecue party
  77. Plant something that we can eat from each year
  78. Make iced coffee on a hot day
  79. Create a meal in an Instapot or Slowcooker (don’t have one)
  80. Knit a thick blanket for cold evenings
  81. Attend a PV meeting
  82. Drink 2 liters of water every day
  83. Replant the Swiss Cheese plant (Philodendron Monstera) in one bigger pot
  84. Make a Christmas wreath
  85. Attend a Brussen Day
  86. Organize a Brussen Day
  87. Take new headshots
  88. Republish the tarot book (maybe in another form)
  89. Whiten my teeth
  90. Do a weekly evaluation
  91. Plan dinners for the whole week and get groceries
  92. Go canoeing very early when at the houseboat
  93. Write a fictional story
  94. Sleep in a weird B&B
  95. Donate blood
  96. Buy something cool from Etsy
  97. Connect with my spirituality

 

It is funny to see how I have seriously up-leveled my life already by deciding that happiness is more important than a goal weight. Since I made this list at the beginning of January, some things can now be stricken off because they do not feel right anymore. Activities like fast for a whole day are not conducive to what is right for me since I’ve concluded that an action like that comes from a diet mindset. Since I now have a happiness mindset, I’ve replaced it with Buy something really cool from Etsy.

Photo by Olenka Sergienko

Why Elizabeth Gilbert made me cry

Elizabeth Gilbert told me to write this blog and so I believe I’m allowed to say that it’s her fault. Up until ten minutes ago, I did not know what I was going to write about. All I know, it is raw what’s bubbling under the surface, because that’s how it feels.

This is where I am right now. I am exactly where I need to be. To get here, I needed to play hide and seek for a long time. Years to be exact, but to give me some credit; I was not aware of it.

When I started my healing journey in 2007, I did not know that it would take me here, but I was willing to find out because all I wanted was to be free from the stuff that was bugging me. I wanted to live authentically. I was hiding in shame because of my eating disorder and punished myself every day by binge eating and then throwing up. Did it help? Yes. It helped me to stay in hiding, where I desperately wanted to be. I needed to hide from my talents and my brilliance because they were freaking me out big time. I did not know that yet, but I do now, and they still freak me out. But at least I try to embrace them now.

This blog is about embracing the fullness of myself.

While I’ve ended the purging, eating can be a thing, so now and then, when life becomes a bit overwhelming or when I don’t listen to my body when I’m tired. Even with all the healing, I still eat. Not as much as I used to, not as fierce as I used to, not daily, but sometimes weekly and always monthly. I have been telling myself that it is okay until it wasn’t anymore.

elizabeth gilbert

Enter Elizabeth Gilbert

Then, this morning I was listening to the Magic Lessons podcast by Elizabeth Gilbert. It was this podcast that made me cry.

I must admit that after reading her book Eat, Love, Pray, which I loved, that I found her new book Big Magic, a bit disappointing. Today I see that it was not disappointing; I was disappointing myself in not letting my personal magic free! In short: I was not ready for what she explained in that book.

Getting ready came after listening to a masterclass she made for my favorite meditation-app Calm this summer. I listened to it with my mouth open, shocked at how I have been hiding my creativity and authenticity behind the food. It was at that moment that I knew I had to become serious about writing. While I have been writing all my life, I have not been writing from the heart. I’ve been letting my thoughts about what you might think of my blogs play a role that was too big.

In the podcast, she works with a woman who loves writing poetry and who dearly wants to be out there with it. In a way, she is hiding her work and her brilliance, and Elizabeth Gilbert called her out on it. Geez, to be called out on your bullshit by Liz Gilbert. Sigh.

The women before me

But when she said the following words, I really started to listen:

I need to feel the presence of my mother and grandmother and the grandmothers before them, behind me. They would have given anything to be a presence in the world. I feel them behind me saying: Put it out there again. If you cannot put it out there again for yourself, then put it out there for us, who never had a voice. That is the tax I’m willing to pay. To be a woman that presents her soul’s work into the world in honor of all those who never could and all those who still can’t.

Working with the energy of the women who went before me has been the most empowering experience on my journey. Liz Gilbert helped me to remember it. I forgot that I am not alone. I have this whole team of cheerleaders behind me. While it is weird to imagine my grandmother with pompoms, I think you get the idea.

Write or write

So, I have two options: I can write, or I can write.

The first one is doing the nice accepted one, producing happy and informative blogs out there, and telling you that you can do it. The latter is about writing from my heart, you know, the raw shit. I cannot mention healing from binge eating without naming the shit by its name and holding back the words in me. Me being afraid to publish these words is the shit that I am ready to discard.

“We have the privilege to make art that people do not like.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Up to that moment, I was like, “hell yeah” and “she’s right” and “yes, I need to get it out.” But the tears came at the last of three assignments she gave the lady in the podcast.

  1. Answer this question: Who gets to decide if you are a writer?
  2. Do the deep spiritual work to call up your ancestors and ask them what they’d want you to do.
    And lastly, the game-changing assignment:
  3. Write a letter from your imaginary great-grandchildren to you, telling you how amazing your life’s inspiration is to theirs.

That last one hit me as someone whacked me on the back of my head with a frying pan because I am the granddaughter of a well-known writer in the Netherlands, and I have always looked at him for inspiration. He is part of me wanting to be a writer. I yanked off the earplugs and cried, too shocked to hear what my assignment was.

My assignment by Elizabeth Gilbert

I need to own my shit, get it out there, and if people do not like it, it is not my business. I need to send my words into the world to inspire the people who are ready to listen. I was not prepared for Elizabeth Gilbert’s book when it was published.

But I am ready now.

I am ready to inspire myself to be the person I want to be. I want to be a writer who inspires others to create an abundant life in every way they want. All this has nothing to do with the results I think I need to produce. All that counts is that I write stuff that makes me feel great and authentic. When I no longer resist the words inside me, there is no need to overeat anymore.

There will always be urges to eat, but I do not have to act on those urges. Nor do I have to listen to a voice in my head that people will not like this rawness. Too bad, scroll on. I do not have to listen to people who do not like this blog because they are not ready for what I have to say. I do this to honor myself, the women who went before me, and the great-grandchildren who come after me, and everybody who is ready to listen. Let me be that inspiration, being a person who only wants to be free to show herself.

The end.

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

 

It’s not the self-discipline but the struggle to celebrate

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A Letter To Food Addiction

Dear Food Addiction,

At a very early age, you taught me you were always there for me. While I did not know what that meant, I later learned that you were there a few steps away. The moment I started to eat, I’d feel tension subside, and I would sink into a state in which I did not feel much anymore.

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Ever since I concluded that it wasn’t about what I ate that made the difference in manifesting weight loss goals or not, I’ve been pointing at my head when I talk about where the choice to eat is made, as if that choice is made in my head. Read more