Past life patterns: how I’ve been dimming my light

Past life patterns: how I've been dimming my light

Last week, I wrote about how doing an akashic reading for myself boosted my confidence. The core qualities I found and recognized on a deeper level have become a guiding light. This week, I want to talk about how past life patterns have been in the way of that brilliant light.

Knowing who you are at the soul-level is all great fun, but it comes with responsibility. Once you know who you are and what you need to focus on to create an abundant life, you can’t unknow it. At the same time, you also become aware of the gap that is between the two situations. It’s an uncomfortable gap.

The fact is that we have come here to experience those strengths despite everything. We want to live our fullest potential and to develop ourselves. So the only way to do this is to keep coming back to the uncomfortable path.

Even though I now know in which direction I find my solution, it can still be a challenge because of the worn-in past life patterns I’ve developed between my first incarnation and the life I’m living right now.

Whoa. What? Past life patterns?

Yup! When you first originated as a soul, you got the core qualities I talked about in my previous post. Being in that state is much more comfortable. What you want manifests when you decide upon it because you are fully aligned with who you are and what you want.

As humans, we know that we learn through setbacks and challenges. Those core qualities then become something to reach for because that’s where our strengths sit. A core quality becomes valuable when you need to work hard to retrieve it. A soul in the higher dimensions cannot do that because the moment it decides it wants its quality back, it is there. When I write it like that, I wonder if it would be ‘any fun’ to get it like that. I guess I like a struggle or two (as long as they don’t last for too long).

Past life patterns: how I've been dimming my light

Lower dimension

In this lower dimension, it is much harder to connect to that quality or qualities. The higher the dimension you’re in, the easier it is to experience who you are at origination. That’s because there are no challenges there. Challenges come up when you travel down a couple of dimensions because manifesting is so much more challenging there.

When we decide to reincarnate, we look at who we are and experience our core qualities as best as we can. The best way to do that is to choose a life where we must consciously decide to use or develop those qualities. We know those qualities still when we’re in soul-form, but we slowly forget about them once we incarnate. It only takes a couple of years for babies to adapt to their family’s rules and traditions.

Do you need to believe in reincarnation?

While writing this, I’ve wondered if you need to believe in reincarnation to want to do an Akashic reading, and I think you don’t have to believe it. Why would it matter where the pattern you struggle with comes from? It matters how you can overcome the pattern and live an aligned life to manifest what you want.

How patterns originate

It’s the influence of our upbringing, culture, education, religion, and more – and don’t forget the impact of beliefs, challenging experiences, and ideas about ourselves that arise from that. Interacting with other souls in a human experience will soon help you forget who you are. That’s for sure.

While we often label it as a depressing story of our life, it’s not. It’s all how it’s supposed to be.

I’ve come to understand that our soul works in miraculous ways. All it wants is to experience situations that are opposite from your core qualities. We are super powerful when it comes to living our life. Your soul isn’t looking for specific problems or challenges; it wants the feelings resulting from it. Your soul isn’t choosing to become very ill or going through a divorce or going bankrupt. Instead, it’s looking for feelings to experience like fear of failure, anxiety, despair, depression, worry, and shame. How we experience those feeling is of a lesser priority.

Obstacles to our core qualities

Every life, we choose other ways to overcome obstacles to experience our qualities again and again. We look at those qualities from all sides, from all situations, and how we can find and reach those qualities. In the process, we make decisions that good for us and that are not good for us. The latter causes us to float away from the Divine source we come from. It’s like trying to row upstream that I wrote about in the previous blog.

That’s why it is so important to align yourself with who you essentially are, because it keeps you connected to the Mothership, so to say: Divine Source.

In an Akashic reading, I look for the mental and emotional patterns that result in behavior that dims your light. When you become aware that it is not just a feeling but a past life pattern that you repeatedly choose, you can understand that it is the patterns that make you feel miserable – it keeps you from feeling the way we want.

Past life patterns: how I've been dimming my light

How a reading works

When I read for you, I first find out which patterns are currently ‘bugging’ you. Patterns are either created in this current life or a past life. I can tell you how long you’ve struggled with it and explain in which situation a past life pattern started.

The present life patterns I found

When I did my reading, I still was somewhat cynical about how well this works (or not). But I had to eat my words because what I found in my first reading was mind-blowing. Per the length of this blog, I’ll lift some patterns from my reading for you.

Spirit guides

I always had five spirit guides until I turned 32. In that year, we found out that some of our family had a genetic disorder that caused a very high chance of developing a specific cancer type with, in my mind ridiculous high mortality rate. The turmoil caused enormous overwhelm and anxiety, which I tried to escape by moving away from my family to start a new job. Within a year, I had developed severe burnout. Through my reading, I found out that I received an extra (sixth) spirit guide to help me cope with that situation. It took me over two years to do the blood test to determine that I was not a gene carrier. By that time, I learned how well it works to leave and choose to create overwhelm to ‘solve’ difficult situations. It has ‘served’ me time and again after that, so I didn’t have to conclude that I was not making myself happier.


Fear of failure has been another huge factor in my life. It comes up in my reading multiple times. It caused me to work super hard, and I felt as if I was never good enough. Our family’s norms were high, and hard work was valued to be successful. While there’s nothing wrong with hard work, I tried a bit too hard to fit in. As an introvert with the previously described pattern, it is easy to become overwhelmed. When that happens, I need time for myself, but that is also when the self-talk starts.

The self-talk caused me to feel powerless. During my career, I’ve felt powerless so many times. In the ’80s and ’90s, women could not speak up in the office hierarchy to speak up, let alone be assertive. It was all focused on men. Some of the things I heard often was that women had to “wear a skirt and shut up,” and “you’re not here to think, you’re here to type” and more crap like that (I won’t even talk about the guy who’d jump you from behind and grab your boobs while you operated the xerox machine with your back toward the stairs). And you know what? It was normal back that men spoke to you like that. You may not have the same experience, but around me, in the office, all women did as instructed.

Today, I would have told them exactly what I thought of that, but I missed seniority and confidence to say something back or report it to my boss back in the day. All women endured or left.

Finding confidence

It took me until about four years ago to get over that bullshit. I am damn good at what I do, and I don’t mind saying this. I now have a cool job where I have a crazy amount of influence. I’m living my core quality of power. At times, I still want to walk off because I cringe at being in this position. After all, the core quality comes with the responsibility to be responsible. When you’re responsible, you can fail, and that is scary shit.

Abstinence and lack

Two other patterns I’ve uncovered are abstinence and lack. Abstinence started at age four – in the middle of the Twiggy model years. Being skinny was the norm. I always thought my weight loss career started around age 7, but it must have started earlier. I will spare you the experiences that I’ve had by being overweight, but my mom tried to do everything to ‘help’ me lose weight. They were not helpful because it laid the foundation for an eating disorder that has plagued me all my life.

I had to abstain from food, watching others eat it. What I found out is that this pattern started at age 4. Two significant experiences that jump out that have to do with abstinence and lack are that I was prescribed meal replacement shakes when I was eight years old. It was the newest rage, and our GP just prescribed it when my mom came to him with me to talk about my weight gain. With today’s eyes, we know it is super bad for children to abstain from healthy food because they need loads of beneficial nutrients. I had to eat those awful shakes and puddings for months while my family had their meals. I started binge eating very early, which at some point turned into bulimia. Eating disorders are the epitome of patterns of lack. It took decades to overcome feeling less than everybody.

Sharing a past life pattern

The patterns I wrote about above are present life patterns, but there are also past life patterns. I can connect the patterns into what we call a soul story. This way, I can connect with who I used to be, and what I struggled with, and how it turned into a pattern that is still an issue for me.

By explaining it as a story, it is easier to look at it without resistance. Mainly because some stories can entail being killed or killing someone yourself, it can result in feeling guilty for no reason. I can tell you that we all have made choices in our soul existence that are questionable, but they are in the past, so you can’t change them. All you can do is heal the subconscious memory of them.

Some experiences seem like a long time ago, like the story below. But when you know that many of us have experienced a hundred or more lives, our history is much longer.

If you’ve read my previous blog where I explained how power, freedom, and the importance of having a choice are essential for me, you may understand how the below story is the total opposite. I’ll mark the aspects with an asterisk to see how elements from my core qualities were present but dimmed.

By becoming aware that I need healing in the area of empowerment, I can consciously recognize situations in which I’m being pushed around. If so, I can consciously decide to choose my reply differently.

Jolanda from twenty-eight lives ago

Twenty-eight lifetimes ago, I lived as a woman. I lived with my father, and we belonged to the upper layer of society. My dad had a lot of influence and a lot of contacts. As his daughter, I was a bit of a special one because I was susceptible to energies*. I was super-sensitive* and picked up on energies around me. I could connect to spirits*, and not many people understood what was happening, mainly because it would sometimes become too much, and I’d lose connection with reality*. Besides that, being around energies and lots of people was exhausting for me. When I would lose touch with reality, I’d be very anxious* and would dissociate* (or something like that). They saw me as mentally limited.

This behavior was hard to understand for my father. He would lock me up when I felt terrible until I was ‘normal’ again. In practice, this meant that I needed to rest for a couple of days. Because of this, I felt misunderstood by my father, mostly because he took away my freedom.

Future safety

Because my father was getting older, he wanted me to be safe for the future. That is why he sought and found a husband for me. This man is the second attached soul in this story (the father was the other). An attaching soul is a soul not incarnated right now, with whom we have a relationship in which we give away our vital force energy, often in the form opposite our core values. Basically, an attaching soul keeps us out of alignment with our core qualities.

My father told me to marry the man he chose for me. I did what he said*. Looking at this with today’s eyes, you might say to take on life by yourself, but that was not possible back then. Firstly, because I was limited, but secondly, because it indeed wasn’t possible back then. Women didn’t have any self-determination. Living by myself would soon end in having to sell my body or get killed.


My dad and my future husband signed a contract in which they agreed that my husband would protect me and keep me safe when I’d go through a rough period. It was a conditional relationship because, in return, my husband received money and influence.

The interesting aspect connected to this life is that I used to have a portal way to it still (before I cleared it). A portal way is an open connection to that life that distracts you from your current incarnation. I access it through memories that trigger me into specific behavior. It all happens on the subconscious level, so I’m not even noticing it. The only way I can catch it is when I feel powerless under men’s influence (like those work-related situations). Something weird happens when I feel helpless. It’s as if my head ‘pops,’ and the next second, I feel overwhelmed. I recognized a lot of aspects of this story. When there is too much pressure, I feel the same thing, and I need rest to overcome the overwhelm again. It can happen when I’ve worked in other dimensions too much (but it’s so much fun, you know).

What I’ve learned from this part of the reading

I was happy to find that both failure restrictions were a present life block, which means that they’re still new and not deeply rooted in my soul’s DNA. This means that becoming aware is often enough to redirect my emotional reaction.

What surprised me was that the blocks of abstinence and lack started so early. I am over the anger for the ignorance that doctors had in the ’70s around children’s nutritional needs but noticing it was still a pattern that I had to work on was a bit of a bummer. Sometimes you’d like to have it behind you, and in this case, it isn’t.

What I found really interesting was how the past life soul story came to life. How things happened were not vivid memories. But what I did recognize is how I can ‘pop’ out of when I experience disempowerment. I’ve had that often, and it sucks my energy. So much so that it would take days to recover from it.

Clearing the patterns

I’m pleased that I also know how to clear the patterns I uncover. While I can’t tell you how I do this, I can tell you it consists of two parts—one part that I perform, which serves as an intention. The other part is for you to take responsibility for and forgive yourself for holding on to patterns like these. It wouldn’t mean anything if I was the only one to do the work and declare you as healed. It is crucial that you also do the job.

An Akashic record reading comes with homework, and by doing it, you consciously let go of patterns that have been subconscious since they started. The homework is not difficult, but you need to do it for a certain period, and by finishing that assignment, you connect to your soul on a deeper level and say: I’m over it. It’s time to leave it all behind and move forward as I truly am.

Image by Bri Schneiter via Pexels

Jolanda Bolt
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