It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog almost three months ago. I needed to take time away from the website to focus on myself and go through a symbolic tower experience. While I haven’t finished the process, I can say I have made a couple of significant changes that were overdue.
Many things went through a form of Judgment, and some are still up for evaluation because I simply do not know yet.
Cut out incompatible things
It all started in April 2021. Our country was stuck in the stifling grip of Covid-19, locked down, and I felt lost and out of control with shame and guilt for not being able to “just follow a f’ing food plan.” The plan could be attached to anything, but my weight seemed to keep every other problem in its shadow. What others seemed to do with conviction and ease, I was “the only one” who couldn’t. I felt so stuck, and I could not share how I felt.
I hit rock bottom when my exploding weight crossed one of those magic numbers that I vowed never to cross (ever again). It caused immense despair and anxiety I have ever experienced – not to say anything about the disgust I felt for my body. I knew that my old eating disease had returned (I had known for ages), and I asked my GP for help. Luckily, I had a great conversation with him about what bothered me, and in the end, he referred me to an eating disorder clinic. I was relieved and devastated at the same time.
Within a couple of weeks, I was diagnosed with a binge eating disorder and ended up on a six-month waiting list. It was super disappointing. I mean, once you’ve made the decision, you want to get some action as well. But I accepted the situation because I had not come this far only to come this far. Asking for help was the bravest thing I have ever done and a massive step for me. I would get through it and trusted that help was on its way. At the same time, it was a full-blown Tower experience where the Universe has decided that it is now time to transform no matter what.
Manifesting with record speed
That’s where the Universe got to work for me because a week later, at the beginning of June, I received a call to ask if I was open to starting therapy that Friday. They had an opening because they hired new staff. I was so happy that my time to take action had come.
From there on, during the summer months, I went on a journey that resulted in me finding myself back. It was hard work.
What I struggled with most were my coping mechanisms to hide how anxious I really am. The moment I’d start to feel uncomfortable (triggers), I’d either stuff my face or go on a new diet. The diets were always unsuccessful because, in the meantime, I had binges all the time. In between dieting and binging, I would be supercritical about myself to keep up with the standards I put upon myself. It worked until my body started to reject that behavior. I had restricted myself from healthy nutrients, had trouble sleeping, binged all the time, and was so exhausted that I could not do the things I loved doing anymore. It felt as if my life was falling apart.
To my surprise, my binges disappeared in four weeks by implementing rules of normal eating. I was amazed. But that was only the first step – the easy one.
Anxieties in all colors of the rainbow
Under the ruins of my carefully built Tower, I found anxieties in all colors of the rainbow. Understanding how they triggered me and learning how to respond to them lovingly was much harder.
I needed to lift a metaphorical rattling manhole cover and take a good look at the shit that was floating by (excuse my French). To make it even ickier, I had to be brave enough to put on my waders and step into the manhole to study it more closely. Let me tell you; it is not for nothing that we close off that manhole with a heavy cover! Studying what was under the cover, I saw that some things had to go and others could stay. Holding on to things that were ‘outdated’ were possible triggers to fall back into old behavior.
Manifesting a new job quickly
One of the first things that had to change was my job. It was clear from the start that I needed to get a new one. It took some time to get clear about what I looked for in a job. But once I knew it, I found a new job pretty quickly. My boss was so angry when I handed in my notice that he cut my contractual two-month notice period into two days, so I no longer had to go to that triggering situation before I knew it. It only strengthened my decision to go. My new employer decided to hire me sooner, so I manifested that with record speed as well.
My love for words
But what did not change in this tower experience was my love for words, my love for cards, and doing readings. It feels as if my love for finding the right words has opened up or something. For this to happen, I needed to put everything I do for this website on the backburner. I was just too exhausted. Writing this blog, I again feel how natural the words come, so it is still on the list of things I love.
Clicking through some old blogs, I see how my readings have been preparing me for this journey. Read the blog about self-sabotage in April, the one about resistance in March, or the Pollyanna approach I talked about in my January reading. I see dreams and desires written down through my past blogs, getting ready for a new start. I’ll also focus on doing more general readings and make business coaching one of my coaching services.
And if you are now thinking I only sat on the couch, staring in front of me, that’s not what happened. I managed to republish an updated version of my 2004 Dutch Tarot Werkboek in paperback, hardcover, and ebook. It is the second edition and fully updated. Right after I hit publish on the book, I started to translate the book to English. I’ve just started editing it, and I know from experience that it’s a much longer process than writing, so don’t get excited yet!
The day after
So, where am I now? Well, that’s to be dreamed up; at least that’s what came up in a reading I did this week. I advised myself to dream as much as possible. Even when taking action is impossible, you can still dream. Dreaming is important.
I can’t promise to write a blog every week again because I prioritize the editing phase of my book. But when I hit on essential realizations in my process, I’ll want to share that with you.