In one of the communities on recovery I’m in, someone asked if following a recovery program was all worth it. I mean, you need to do a lot to become free of food and experience harmony again in your life. Many people responded with a definite answer that it was very much worth it. Yes, it takes effort but the things it brought them made it all worth the effort.
Since I had had a horrid week two weeks in which I ate an overload of sugar and flour, I responded as follows:
“No, there are times I hate having to do all this stuff. Like this week especially – it sucks to the power of 3. I get angry and depressed. I wonder if I’ll ever “get it”. All the talk about serenity, peace, and surrender can really piss me off on days like these.
But this afternoon I talked to my ever so wise buddy, and she tells me to not be so awfully critical of myself and what I do or don’t do. I need to look at where I came from and wonder if I want to go back to that. Oh, and she also told me to go to my favorite coffee place (that I haven’t visited since everything closed and reopened), get a coffee and read a book. I mean, is that wise advice or not? 💖
After I had had my coffee I went to do my groceries, struck off everything on my list that was not compliant with the program I follow (it miraculously appeared on my shopping list and I had nothing to do with it 😇).
So, no, this week I hated every aspect of quitting binge eating and failed miserably at it. I was not a happy camper. But then I also know how it can be and on those moment I’d probably chimed in with all the other people responding to your message.”
I was probably able to make changes earlier, but I was simply unwilling to make the changes. The vacation was over and I went back to work 2 weeks ago. I had a difficult time adjusting my biological clock to getting up three hours earlier and concentrating on my work for a full day. It was full-blown PECS (Post Event Collapse Syndrome because I was upset the vacation was over).
I was not willing to write a weekly menu because “boring” and “I have all the time in the world to get a carrot when I want to.” To be honest, I had a lot of inner chatter going on that was not helpful. I also spent too much time with an almost empty fridge, low on vegetables and fruits, cut out daily walks, spent too much time on my phone, and not drinking enough water. Basically, I just didn’t give myself what I needed. All because I was mad at myself for something. Don’t ask me why I just was.
Is it worth it?
Recovery is not always worth it and sometimes it costs a lot of energy to do what is needed to feel good. Sometimes I am not willing to do the work. Until I do it again.
Now that I have everything set up again, it feels as if I can take care of myself again. The fridge is filled with vegetables and fruits, I just prepared my lunch for today and tomorrow, and I’ve gone for a walk this morning. Binge eating recovery is about practicing self-care, not about forcing yourself to just follow a fucking plan (JFTFP). It is about loving yourself, and sometimes I find it pretty hard to practice that.
Go gently in this world, when your relapse. It is the only way to make recovery worth the effort.